Mary Sue Hell!
by TheFanFictionAlchemist
Summary: What would happen if Fai and Kurogane were forced to go on dates with MarySues, but were still mostly in character? Crack parody of bad OC fics.


Shadows

**Mary Sue Hell!**

**DISCLAIMER:** Tsubasa ain't mine, and Mary and Sue are stolen from the sueauthors of the world!

**AUTHOR'S NOTE: **Because I read a really bad one tonight, the plot was random beyond belief and oh! The pathetic little self inserts! And I don't flame, I promised not to. But I never said a word about parodies.

--

Fai was in a tuxedo, a white tuxedo. Not something he objected to entirely. Though, he was rather confused as to _why_. He looked around, and he appeared to be in a very fancy restaurant. It was slightly unnerving that he did not recall how he got there. Fancy restaurants could be nice though, with the proper company.

He was most startled, when he looked at the person across from him. That certainly wasn't the proper company (Kurogane, he had hoped). He didn't know _who_ it was. It was a very odd girl; she had long, purple hair, stripes, and was kind of _glowing_.

"Umm, could you tell me how I got here?" Fai asked, in confusion.

"Sure, its part of the story," the glowy-girl answered.

"No I mean, why am I at a restaurant, in a tuxedo?"

"Because," the girl stressed, "its the _story_."

"Oh," he answered. Clearly, that was all that Fai was going to get from her.

"Your eye is sooo pretty!" the girl cooed.

"T-thank you," Fai stuttered. "Yours are…" he looked at her eyes. They were blue brown (taken from real Halo suefic), if he had to give them a color. He though he must be going crazy. "Who exactly are you?"

"I'm Mary! Silly Faiy-waiy. I'm your love interest! We're madly in love!"

"Ahh…" Fai faltered. This was just too bizarre for words. "I don't mean to…burst your bubble, but…um…I'm gay. And I'm involved with someone"

"NO YOU ARE NOT!!" Mary shouted.

Fai stood and backed away from the table, startled by the sudden outburst. He really hoped he was drunk! "No, I really am gay. Gay, as in interested in other _men_, particularly tall, dark, sexy ninjas. Not women." And defiantly not crazy girls.

"YOU AREN'T! YOU AREN'T! YOU AREN'T! I WON'T LET YOU BE GAY! I AM SICK OF PEOPLE MAKING YOU GAY! YOU AND KUROGANE ARE JUST FRIENDS…"

"Actually…" Fai started.

"THERE IS NO, ABSOLUTELY NO WAY THAT YOU ARE GAY!! AND ANYONE WHO SAYS YOU ARE IS A …"

"KURO-CHAN!" Fai shrieked, as he fled the table, and the ranting lunatic.

--

Kurogane did not do tuxedos, he did not do fancy restaurant, he did not do romantic. There was only one person who might possibly be able to con him into a situation like this one, and he was nowhere to be seen. Not only that, but Kurogane was seriously considering the idea he had been drugged, as he had no idea how he came to be in a fancy restaurant, in a tuxedo.

Then he looked across the table. He closed his eyes. One one-thousand, two one-thousand, three one-thousand… he opened them. She was still there. There was a girl with wings sitting across the table.

"Hi, I'm Sue! I love you!" she declared, in one breath.

"What the hell? Who the fuck are you? Mage, are you here, did you plan this?" he yelled, really hoping that was Fai in drag across the table. And he had _never_ hoped for that.

"Silly Kuro-wuro! Why would you want Fai, when you have me! I'm perfect in every way. Except my awful, tragic past, that you must uncover, and heal me of with your love!"

"First, I have had more that enough of the whole 'lovers with tragic pasts', thing. Second, you will not call me that ever again, if you want to live!"

"Oh, you won't kill me!" the girl decreed happily.

"Want to fucking bet on that?" Kurogane snarled at her.

"You won't kill me, because you love me! Silly little Kuro-wankuro!"

Kurogane was up in a flash, to discover he was without a weapon. "Where the hells my sword!"

"You can't bring swords into fancy restaurants, Kuro-chi, silly!"

Kurogane decided then that his hands would be quite adequate to strangle this idiot. No one, no one, (except Fai) called him that and lived!

"KURO-CHAN!" a blur cried, as it collided with him.

"The hell, mage?"

It was indeed Fai, and he was sniffling.

"What the hells the matter?"

"There was this awful girl, it was terrible, Kuro-sama! She was glowing, and stripy, and she said…she said…" he sobbed, "She said I wasn't gay!"

"That's why you're crying?" Kurogane asked, incredulously.

"Uh huh."

"Don't worry, you're _definitely_ gay," Kurogane reassured him.

"You mean it?" Fai visibly brightened. "And, you're gay too, right?"

"One goddamned minute!"

"Kuro-pi! You sleep with a man on a regular basis, you're at least bi."

"What?" Sue asked, from her seat at the table, scandalized. "You're gay?" she then broke down crying, in less than three seconds flat.

"Who's that?" Fai asked, curiously.

"Nobody," Kurogane said, keeping an arm around Fai's shoulder, and leading him away.


End file.
